six months to go

six months i've been here. six months of language frustrations, culturual differences, highs, lows, personal growth, trips, laughter, mosquitoes, mud, poverty. but as i look back on the last six months, i can't help but feel like i've somehow fallen short. that while i've been here, learning some spanish, understanding the politics and culture of a developing nation, my time here is still empty. rostro is for all intents and purposes an immersion program. it's not a volunteer or service program. at it's very core, it's about meeting and spending time with ecuadorians. i just don't know if i've done that. i don't feel that i have strong relationships with my neighbors or people here that will make me want to come back in a year, in five years, to visit.

that's not to say that i don't enjoy spending time with the people in arbolito. there are some great people here. the women from the women's group. glenda. abrahan and eduardo. all of the kids. they are all people i'm glad i've met and spent time with in the last six months. but whenever i have some free time, i'm not chomping at the bit to hang out with any of them. i don't feel called, or however you'd like to phrase it, to necessarily be with these people.

i keep telling myself that i just need to prioritize who i enjoy spending time with and focus on those relationships. but even then i can't help but feel like i'm somehow being a bad volunteer or that my week is empty.

part of it may be just how i'm feeling right now. maybe it's part of the volunteer experience to have these feelings. but i know i'm not the only one who feels this way. part of it may be the way rostro is structured. it seems that the program itself is in an identity crisis. it's an immersion program that wants to be a service program. we're told the mission of the program is to be with the people. but then we have retreat groups half the year that are just as important. and then there's our job sites working with other foundations in durán and guayaquil. all three areas are important areas, and rostro should keep all three. there just has to be a better way of organiation. we're now 10 able-bodied 20-somethings with a college education who are willing and wanting to do something. to make a difference somehow. but right now it just seems like the difference i'm supposed to making, the relationships i'm supposed to be building aren't happening.

i guess i just have to keep trucking through and see what happens. such is life.