where to begin?

it's been well over four months since i last wrote on this blog, and there have been quite a few developments in the life of ole' Joaquín. here's a recap of what life has been like since i've been back in the united states

the last day & the first month

august 7, 2008 was a hard day. dan, scott, frank & i woke up early to go get encebollado one last time before we took off for the airport. in true ecuadorian fashion, ecuador won one last time. the guy who promised he would open his restaurant early for us, never showed. it was almost more perfect that getting that last bowl of encebollado. ecuador had to win that one last time.

then there was the airport. at that point, it had felt like we had said goodbyes for weeks, and to do it one last time, was the last thing i wanted to be doing. especially to abrahan. somehow, that guy had become more than a friend to me. everyone joked leading up to the last day that one of us would cry at the airport, and i'm happy to say it wasn't me. i teared up, for sure. but i don't think i had anything left in me at that point to cry. i was exhausted in every sense of the word. but it was emotional, nonetheless. he gave me his marathon national ecuador jersey (it cost him $30 ... remember he makes around $200 a month), with the back signed by him and jessenia with a note that said:

"para mi mejor amigo y hermano joaquín. espero que regrese y no te olvides de nosotros. que dios te cuide siempre. abrahan y jessenia"

to joaquin, my brother and best friend. i hope that you return and don't forget about us. may god always take care of you. abrahan and jessenia

the sentiment really touched me. more so than the fact that he freely gave me something to him was expensive, the fact that he called me brother. i don't know why that caught me off guard, but it did. we hugged and said goodbye and the last thing i saw as the doors closed was abrahan standing there with his hang over his mouth (i would later make fun of him for that). (scott went out on a more humorous note, dancing his way out of ecuador)

after an unexpected encounter with airport security, who were not too fond of me trying to bring a 4-inch knife onto the plane in my backpack (long story, short version: my last act on ecuadorian soil was receiving medical attention for hand cuts), we were on our flight home. we all flew to miami together, but from there we went our separate ways. it got harder as each person left, until it was just me. the flight home was pretty lonely. i was excited to see my family, but sad about the one i was leaving.

when i walked out of the gate, i was surprised by not only my family, but also yee-ling, west, annie, maggie & ben (all high school friends) who had come to the airport to welcome me home. seeing everyone was bittersweet; it was great to be home and see them, but it meant i was home. ecuador was over.

 my first few weeks home were a marathon of seeing people in cincinnati and chicago. i spent a week at home, visiting with my parents and siblings, grandparents and aunts, before going to chicago for seven or eight days to see friends and family there. the month flew by, and didn't really allow for me to really digest what was going on around me. i've kept a journal since i've been home, because i know this experience of reintegration is just as important as my experiences in ecuador and i can't wait to look back on this, the way i do about my time in ecuador. that being said, the days, especially the first ones, were definitely lonely. being in chicago helped. cities are loud, full of people, life. but my time spent in the suburbs was kind of a let down. there was no noise. no action. no one walking down the streets. everyone was inside. it's a lonely existence.

st. louis & the cross-country drive

i think my first month home wasn't nearly as bad as it could have been because i knew that labor day weekend i would be seeing two of the other volunteers again. i decided while in ecuador that i was going to move out to los angeles, where two of my best friends from college (ben & dane) live. because i was going to drive cross-country to move, i got to stop at scott's place for labor day weekend. vicki, who lives in kansas city, came up for the long weekend and we headed to the family cabin out on a lake. it was honestly a great time. hanging out with them, talking with people who understood my experience made a huge difference in my spirits. plus being out on a lake all weekend wasn't bad either. the drive from st. louis to los angeles, however, is another story.

the first day was about the most boring and lonely day i've had in a long time. nothing but driving. and driving in solitude, after a month of people clamoring for my attention. you'd think it would have been a welcome relief. determined not to feel that way again, the second day i drove 19 hours straight to los angeles so that i wouldn't have to stop again. let me just say i wouldn't recommend the trip to anyone and i won't be doing it again anytime soon.

two months in los angeles

i've been in los angeles now for just under two months, and things are starting to look up. i'm going into my second week at my new job as a program coordinator for a nonprofit called Reading to Kids. the work i do is fairly similar to my role in ecuador as logistics coordinator. it seems like a pretty good organization and i think it will be an excellent first job. that's not to say it's been easy.

this transition has been just as hard as any other transitional period in my life (moving from high school to college, college to ecuador), the only difference being that i was keenly aware of my thoughts and feelings throughout this. i mean the truth is, i would have had a hard transition no matter where i went after my year in ecuador. it's just my transition to los angeles tested me with different challenges than i would have faced in other places. the first being, no support system.

outside of ben & dane, i didn't know anyone in los angeles when i moved here. that, by far and large, has been the hardest part of the transition. not only not knowing people, but not knowing people who understand my experience and where i'm coming from. even though life seems pretty good right now, this is something that two months into my life here, i'm still searching for. a support network of people who are spiritually minded. who can understand my experiences. i've gone to a few different places (catholic worker house, some churches) and haven't really found anything that i've clicked with. but i'm still searching. it's weird to think while i was in ecuador spirituality was something i had no desire for, but now that i'm back i have a strong desire for it. it's not a part of my life like i would like it to be, but the desire is there. just don't really miss something until it's gone.

all in all, the last two months have been fine. i don't think it's been the easiest transition, but it certainly hasn't been the hardest. partly, i believe, because i've held on to the people who made up the last year of my life. i talk to the volunteers and people from ecuador so often (i usually talk to at least one of the volunteers every day and i communicate with abrahan two or three times a week), that it sometimes doesn't feel like i've left them. i can feel myself getting back into the pace of life, feeling settled. i know i'm a different person than the person who left for ecuador 15 months ago. but i'm still terrified of losing the things i've learned in the last year and a half, the person i've become. i can slowly feel myself slipping back into old habits, old jokes. this is something that i'm fighting. i know that i will never be the same again, but i'm afraid of losing what the last year of my life has taught me.

marie often said that our experiences in ecuador weren't a place or a destination, but a stepping stone for what's to come. as each month passes by, i can feel the changes that took place, the things i learned, and what i've become really becoming applicable in my daily life.so what does the future hold? who knows. and so the real adventure begins.