random thoughts from december 18th

community is one of those words used by many, understood by few. often used to describe neighborhoods, like-minded people and friends, the term is never fully understood until you yourself actually live and experience an intentional community. i just don't live with six other people. i live in a home where there are seven parts, all functioning toward one direction. i make decisions, knowing that my choices could affect six other people. i live and plan my schedule around six other people. it's really hard to explain, and i'm not quite sure i will ever be able to to someone who hasn't experienced it themselves, but it's terribly wonderful.

five months ago, community was a strong reason i was coming to ecuador. i was going to experience life in south america with others, share our joys and struggles, come home to a support system and a release from life in a third world nation. but three months in, i'd venture to say that community was what i struggled most with. feelings of inadequacy, feelings of loneliness, loss of identity, feeling that i didn't have a place in my community of six other volunteers. i really struggled to find my place here. i struggled with internal demons of self-loathing that i've hid in the back of my mind for years. i constantly questioned my place here. do i belong here? am i a good member of this arbolito community? what do i contribute? would it be better if i left? but five months and one day after meeting the six people i would be forming a "community" with, something has changed. i don't know how it happened, or why for that matter. but somewhere along the way, these people became more than people i live with. more than friends. more than family. they became a part of me.

today a part of me left. patrick has physically left our community to return to the states, for reasons only he can truly explain, but reasons that we all agree with and understand. he didn't want to leave this way. for this to even happen. none of us did. but it did and he has to follow his heart. patrick has been, and will continue to be a life force in our community. he is a strong reason we are who we are. he was, for all intents and purposes, "mr. community." but for me, he was even more than that. you see, patrick is one of those people who truly gives of himself to others. so as i was struggling to be here, to understand my place, he was walking with me. asking me what was wrong, hounding me when i would tell him nothing. providing a listening ear, wisdom and challenges. as i was going through my own internal struggles, patrick was dealing with his own situations. with my individual struggles, i relied on patrick's friendship. we prayed with each other. we talked with each other. i'm not quite sure how to describe how crucial patrick has been to my experience here thus far, but it's safe to say he has been my best friend. he has shown me how to be vulnerable within the community. he has shown me how to laugh and be serious. he has shown me how to challenge myself to become a more mature, stronger person. i've grown and matured within this community because of patrick. i'm going to miss him terribly. patrick has not left our community in mind and spirit, only in body. he is still, and will remain, a member of our community. a part of me.

as our remaining community continutes on, we are searching to reform. since dropping patrick off at the airport this morning, it's been an awkward day in the house. no one quite knows what to say to each other. there is a still silence among us. i'm sure the time will pass once we approach dinner, but for now, the period of mourning is very much alive. as chris and i got back from the airport with the van, i walked in and found marie ready to leave for work (santi, scott, marie & andrea took a seperate truck home from the airport). i asked for a hug and as we embraced, i could no longer hold back the tears. we stood there in the living room, as i cried in her arms. it's the most vulnerable i've been with my community; maybe with anyone.

i wish i could describe the ludicrous nature of the situation. being this sad about someone we've only known five months. i wish i could describe the bond we have between us. i wish i had this with all of my friends. but at the end of the day, i can only thank God for this experience. both what i experience outside and inside of my home.




the arbolito community (all wearing patrick's clothes on his last day)
(left to right: santi, chris, patrick, me, marie, scott, andrea)


patrick cashio

walking to the airport